


The Rules of Engagement

by cuttlemefish



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Non linear storytelling, Real Relationship, Vicchan Lives, Wedding Planning, figure skating alternate au, miscommunication and denial, romantic comedy of errors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:20:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23666041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuttlemefish/pseuds/cuttlemefish
Summary: Viktor Nikiforov thinks he's fake dating Yuuri Katsuki, who thinks his boyfriend is just processing some awkward commitment issues. Meanwhile, everyone around Viktor and Yuuri are desperately trying to give Viktor a sign that he's in an actual, committed relationship with the literal love of his life. Sounds simple, right? Not when Viktor's level of denial meets an unmovable force in Yuuri, who, upon discovering the truth, decides to play the greatest game of marriage chicken known to mankind. Will they get it together in enough time to actually get together? Or, the story in which Viktor and Yuuri are not both equally aware of the status of their relationship, until they are, and then Yuuri decides to get even by quite pettily playing a game of chicken all the way to the altar. Little does he know Viktor is willing to do anything for Yuuri, even if it isn't real.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 38
Kudos: 127





	The Rules of Engagement

**Author's Note:**

> I found this old word document with this story and then ended up deciding that because a game of marriage chicken wasn't exciting enough, I would update it and freshen it up by adding another layer to it -- the Yuuri doesn't know until he knows AND he still doesn't know all of Viktor's feelings because his denial runs deep.
> 
> Upates Wednesdays and Saturdays since it's in a giant word document that just needs some love. The first chapter is all you need to know for now. From here on out, we get into it. 
> 
> Twitter: CMFWritings  
> Tumblr: CuttleMeFishWrites
> 
> Come be my friend during self-quarantine! :D
> 
> Edit: Hi all! :) It seems someone was very upset by the story, so please remember to read tags and curate your content. The miscommunication tag has been there all along. If you don’t like the premise, it’s always okay to not read it and bypass it entirely. Doesn’t bother me at all. I had responded the same to the comment but then it all just disappeared randomly, so I don’t know what happened, since I don’t delete comments. Anyway, hope you’re all doing well in the middle of a pandemic. Remember, we’ve got a lot of stuff to be angry and concerned about in the world — a trash fic is not it! :)

**The Rules of Engagement**

** The Rules **

_Viktor Nikiforov’s rules for fake dating Yuuri Katsuki:_

  1. Like a scared baby animal, let the Yuuri come to you. Do not come to the Yuuri. Give him space and time and don’t make too much eye contact with his big, brown, Bambi eyes. It’s hard, but if you can’t make it past step one, obviously you’re not the man for the job.
  2. Do form a genuine bond of friendship with Yuuri. He’s pretty and smells really nice all the time.
  3. Do **not** ask, just do. Seriously. Just do. Yuuri is skittish by nature and cannot handle uncomfortable conversations—and nothing gets as uncomfortable as having your best friend and greatest rival of all time try to discuss fake dating parameters, so just do it and he’ll go right along with it.
  4. Do compliment him a lot, but see point one again. Yuuri needs all the daily affirmations possible to boost his self-esteem. 
  5. Do tag him on a lot of cute pictures of your dog. Just because.
  6. Do tag him on a lot of publicly available sexy pictures of yourself. Because you need to send a message to any trifling hoes, okay? – Even if the dating is fake, the disrespect is real, and that is not allowed.
  7. Hugging, holding hands, tickling, cheek kisses, sitting silently together while your arms touch and you stare out at a beach sunset, taking a very secret whiff of his hair, and all other forms of normal public displays of affection between two bros are equally acceptable under fake dating norms. 
  8. When Yuuri asks you to go somewhere public, see point three. Do **not** ask, just do. You don’t see each other much anyway so it helps keep up appearances, and remember point two.
  9. The main goal is to ensure Yuuri’s attention is fully on the ice. Cockblocking him is just one way to make it happen.
  10. ~~DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YUURI KATSUKI! He belongs to the ice, and the ice alone.~~ What rule 10? There’s no rule ten.



** The Other Rules **

_Yuuri Katsuki’s rules for being a good ~~friend~~ boyfriend to Viktor Nikiforov:_

  1. Remind yourself that this is real life and this is something you have somehow managed to do. It might feel like a lot to process, but dating Viktor is great! He has a really nice chest and soft hair and he likes dogs (and he does incredible things on the ice).
  2. Start thinking about Viktor the skater and Viktor your boyfriend as two different people. This helps you maintain perspective about the posters on your walls.
  3. Always compliment Makkachin. She’s a good girl. It’s the right thing to do.
  4. ~~Communication is key to good friendships; talk to him about his expectations.~~ Do **not** talk to Viktor about dating, ever. It gets really weird.
  5. Remind Vicchan that he is still the best Victor in your life. He’s a good boy and deserves to have his place in your life validated.
  6. Long distance requires communication, but the idea of calling first really stresses you out, so just like all the Instagram pictures he tags you on and leave him a nice comment. Proceed to text message him about Makkachin.
  7. If Viktor calls you, answer the phone. Get comfortable with him being mostly naked. Viktor doesn’t like to be dressed for too long.
  8. Always take him somewhere nice to eat before and after a competition. Be a good boyfriend and pay for his meal.
  9. Viktor likes to go slow with relationships. Like glacially slow. Let him take the lead. Do **not** pressure him.
  10. Viktor seems to be under some weird delusion that you’re some hot commodity and a lot of people want you, so just let him deal with the unidentified “hoes.” None of it makes sense, but sometimes it’s better to just accept things as they are ~~and not ruin them out of a compulsive need to avoid awkwardness~~.



** Interview #1 **

_The following is an interview. It’s not for a magazine, or radio or television show. No one fully knows where it takes place or understands why. But, like the other rule #10 says, sometimes it’s better to just accept things as they are._

**Q. So, Viktor, how exactly did it happen?**

“I couldn’t exactly say,” Viktor says as he lets a finger rest over his chin and mouth. He sits comfortably on a red, velvet armchair, pondering on the fleeting nature of time and the unreliability of memory. “I was in Thailand for a yoga retret and then realized I’d never been to Yuuri’s house before, and that’s a thing best friends do, but I wouldn’t know because I’d never had one before. And then I was drunk and bought myself a ticket to Japan and met Yuuri’s parents and accidentally flashed him in the onsen—and fell on my face trying to walk out of the water. And then I was invited to dinner. There was some other guy there. I don’t really remember details. I’m pretty sure that’s when we started fake dating, though.”

**Q. Uh. I was asking about the engagement. But go on. You didn’t talk about the _fake_ dating thing at all before it started?**

“Let me tell you something about Yuuri Katsuki,” Viktor chuckles, “he’s not keen on talking about his _romantic_ life. With Yuuri, you don’t question things; you just do them. I would know. I’m his best friend.”

**Q. That doesn’t right, Viktor.**

“No, seriously. I’m his best friend, I would know,” Viktor laughs, sipping from a glass of champagne, “What I don’t know if where this bottle came from, but it tastes great.”

**Q. So, Viktor told us you’re not very good at talking about feelings or dating. Is that true?**

“Me?! He’s the one that gets all weird when I even mention the word dating. Do you know how hard it is to plan an anniversary dinner, much less a proper engagement when your significant other has commitment issues?” Yuuri shuffles his hands together, looking uncomfortable as he pulls at the red tie around his neck. He’s looking around the gray room and the very gray sofa. “Also, how did I get here? And whose suit and tie are these?”

**Q. They’re not yours? Sorry. So, to recap, you’ve been dating Viktor for a year now?**

Yuuri shrugs, “Maybe a little longer than that? It was hard to tell at first for sure, but then Yuuko told me it was probably me just being in denial that something this wonderful could actually be happening to me.”

**Q. Phichit Chulanont, would you say Viktor Nikiforov is Yuuri’s _best_ friend?**

“What? No! I’m Yuuri’s one and only best friend. Who told you that lie?” Phichit gasps, typing rapidly on his phone. 

**Q. Viktor Nikiforov told us.**

“I knew it! I’m ending this nasty rumor once and for all. I just need to find that picture of Yuuri and me from Halloween in matching hamster costumes. Just wait. Once I post this on Instagram, it’s all over for that bitch.”

**Q. What you’re saying is that Viktor Nikiforov lied to us?**

Phichit rolls his eyes, “No. Look, what you need to understand about Viktor is that Viktor thinks he’s fake dating Yuuri to cockblock him out of dating anyone so Yuuri doesn’t take his full attention away from skating and competing against Viktor, but really he’s simply been _boyfriends_ with Yuuri for the last year and a half and is in serious denial. Yeah, I know, weird because I have never met a man as deeply in love with Yuuri Katsuki as Viktor Nikiforov, and as Yuuri’s _official_ and _real_ best friend, I’ve seen a lot of people in love with Yuuri.”

**Q. And Yuuri is not in denial that they are not actually boyfriends?**

“No. My boy is just a cinnamon roll dipped in anxiety and dating a complete idiot. It’s not Yuuri’s fault Viktor hasn’t realized they’re together-together, not fake together—and to be frank, I’m pretty sure Viktor knows they’re together-together because you do _not_ smell your best friend’s hair when you hug them. That is not a thing.”

**Q. Does Yuuri know this?**

“My god, no! And don’t you dare tell him. We have a WhatsApp group. Do you know how long it took us all to put together adequate enough rules to protect those idiots from each other? If you tell someone, I _know_ how to find you.”

**Q. Does Viktor really smell your hair?**

“It’s a thing he does. It’s kind of sweet,” Yuuri fights back a bright pink blush.

**Q. You really smell his hair, Viktor?**

“Ha! Joke’s on you if you think I’m sober enough for your judgement to have any effect on me. Because let me tell you, I am drunk. I am also fake engaged, but mostly I am drunk because I am fake engaged to the real love of my life.”

**Q. Can anyone tell us about the actual engagement?**

“Probably Minami,” Mila beams. “I heard a rumor he was in the locker room. But he’s still crying about it.”

** The _Other_ Other Rules **

  1. This is a group that ships Viktuuri and we _will_ go down with this ship.
  2. If rule number 1 does not describe you, you cannot sit with us. ~~I fucking hate all of you~~
  3. Yurio is the exception. Only because deep down he really does ship it. ~~Mila you hag I hate you~~
  4. It is obvious the real problem is Viktor. Yuuri is a sweet cinnamon roll that can do no wrong. If you disagree, **YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US**!
  5. Nobody is allowed to tell Yuuri that Viktor thinks they’ve been fake dating for the last year. IT WOULD CRUSH HIM AND YOU WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF AN INNOCENT!
  6. Eventually, one of us will have to tell Viktor he’s an idiot. ~~I volunteer~~
  7. Yurio cannot volunteer because he has no tact.
  8. Nobody is allowed to ~~slap shame kick~~ calmly talk to Viktor about his transgression against humanity (defined as not realizing he is dating a literal prince) until we figure out which one of us will do it.
  9. This is a group that ships Viktuuri and we will all make mandatory commentary about how adorable they are together and how in love Viktor looks because Viktor is not good with subtlety.
  10. If they get engaged, activate **Mission Engage**. ~~why can’t we just tell the old man he’s being an ass?~~



** The Text Message **

**YK:** Hey, if you check Instagram, don’t panic, okay?

** The Element of Surprise **

Look, Viktor has done a lot of stupid things in his life, like attempted to take up knitting for the sole purpose of making puppy sweaters—which sounds reasonable enough until someone looks at Makkachin and realizes making her a sweater is like making a sweater for a very tall child or very lanky teenager. Viktor doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to remain focused on a set of needles and yarn for long enough to even make a sock, much less a dog sweater for his gorgeous (big) puppy (emphasis on big). So, he’s willing to admit that fake dating Yuuri Katsuki is maybe somewhere at the top of the list of **STUPID THINGS VIKTOR NIKIFOROV DOES ON THE REGULAR** , but if a man can’t fake date his best friend to cockblock him so that he’s frustrated enough to focus all his _eros_ into preternaturally perfect step sequences using knife shoes on ice, then what kind of man is he?

(A reasonable and wise one. And Viktor is neither. He’s a figure skater, and hyper-competitive, and he will be damned if Yuuri gets sidetracked from giving Viktor a run for the gold over _dick_ – and that makes Viktor a dick, not because he has one (which he does), but because he’s acting like one so he can selfishly keep Yuuri’s attention on competing against him. Technically that alone doesn’t make him a dick so much as the fact that he’s broken cardinal rule #10 in The Rules that dictate how to properly fake date Yuuri Katsuki, and now it’s hard to tell if he’s still cockblocking Yuuri out of professional self-interest or romantic self-interest.)

The entire thread of thoughts that pile in his mind at that moment continue to spiral into less and less sense as his eyes scan the Instagram post one more time. The word _retirement_ flashes over and over. It’s right up there with Yuuri’s last text message.

“You’re jealous,” Mila sing-songs, skating circles around him. “Because you love Yuuri _so_ much!”

Viktor is _not_ jealous (of Phichit). He’s pissed off: Yuuri Katsuki retiring was nowhere in Viktor’s plans. He still needed enough inspiration to win at least one more Grand Prix Championship so _he_ could retire. How selfish of Yuuri not to think of Viktor when making the most important decision of his career. 

If fake boyfriends did not plan their entire lives together, then what was even the point in keeping up the charade?

“Jealous of who?” Viktor scoffs. “I don’t need to be jealous of anyone.”

“Of Phichit? The boy with Yuuri?” Mila explains, a little confused. “Isn’t that what you’ve been staring at this whole time?”

Viktor ignores her to skate over to the bleachers. He hasn’t called Yuuri today, so he still has his one call—and now it the time to use it: “How could you do this to me?”

“Hello, Viktor. Yes, I’m doing fine. Vicchan liked the toys Makkachin sent. He’s sending some back. How is my favorite professional drama queen doing today?”

“Trying to pick up the pieces, Yuuri,” he pouts into the line.

“You’re serious.”

“I’m never _not_ serious.”

“I know, that’s what’s so scary about you,” Yuuri sighs. “I was going to call you to let you know, but then I told Celestino and Phichit and he got ahead of himself with emotions, I think. The official announcement comes out tomorrow, if it makes you feel better at all? I just finished showering, so I’ll be home soon and we can talk.”

Viktor considers the exhaustion in Yuuri’s voice. He does sound exhausted.

“Viktor? Say something.”

“You really can’t wait another year or two so we can retire together?” he whispers.

There’s a hitch in the line. There’s something perfect about the way Yuuri’s breath sounds when it catches in his throat. Viktor needs to get over it. Yuuri’s perfect vibrato on the line is not important right now.

 _But it is_ , his mind provides traitorously.

“Are you still at the rink?” Yuuri asks.

Viktor nods, forgetting Yuuri can’t see him: “Oh, yeah. Things weren’t coming together well.”

“Text me when you get home, okay? We should, uh, talk. About my retirement. And your plans, my plans, our plans…?”

Viktor gulps hard. _Right_. If Yuuri is retiring, he no longer needs a fake boyfriend.

“Can’t we just agree right now that this is actually up for discussion and not a final decision, and that we'll discuss it in person when you come to the Rostelecom Cup in a couple of weeks?” Viktor tries, speaking way faster than even his own brain can register. His English is thick and accented as it comes out, and he can feel his palms sweat.

Yuuri chuckles, soft and— _perfect,_ his mind supplies again.

“Hm. Probably not up for discussion, but I am still going to the Rostelecom Cup, so you better practice. I'll talk to you later, okay?”

Viktor huffs as he stares at the phone screen. Well, at least it wasn't all a wash. Yuuri still had plans to compete, which had to mean something, right? 

** Interview #2 **

**Q. And then Viktor proposed?**

“Well, first we had sex, and the we sort of proposed to each other,” Yuuri hides his face between his palms. “There was a lot of adrenaline and things just sort of happened. A year is a long time to not, you know.”

**Q. Where in the rules was there anything about having sex with your fake boyfriend?**

“Like I said, not sober. Your judgement can’t hurt me!” Viktor announces proudly as he continues to strip off his shirt.

**Q. And then you activated Mission Engage?**

Phichit sighs, “these idiots didn’t even give us enough time to come up with the actual plan for Mission Engage. Honestly, after the engagement, it just all got away from all of us really fast and then it got weird. Just weird.”

** Even the Stars Know, Seriously: Astrology’s Hot Take **

It is very rare for the union of these two signs to last throughout a lifetime. However, if both partners respect and celebrate each other’s differences and, more importantly, **work around their contradictory beliefs** , they might be able to create a unique and promising union.

**TBC – Updates on Wednesdays and Saturdays**


End file.
